Slice a Hawaiian

“Hey kid, the fuck do you think you’re going? Yeah, you. The one pointing to himself and looking around all like, ‘He can’t possibly be talking about me, can he?’ Yeah. Where the hell you going, walking by me with a piping hot pan of, uh–”

“Canadian-bacon-pineapple pizza, sir.”

“Ah, yes–the Hawaiian. The hell don’t you just call it a Hawaiian pizza? Who the fuck orders a ‘canadian-bacon-pineapple’ pizza?”

“We already have a specialty pizza called The Hawaiian, sir.”

“You do? And let me guess–it’s got red onions and American bacon and some sweet-and-sour shit on it, and costs five bucks more than a real, honest Hawaiian.”

“Pretty much.”

“For fucking shame–uh–hey, where’s your nametag?”

“They haven’t given me one yet. I’m new. Name’s Shane.”

“Well, Shane. That’s some fucking bullshit. What kind of incompetent fuck doesn’t give nametags to his employees? He think you’re all just faceless drones or what?
“It’s a ‘she’, sir.”

“Oooooh, my bad. Hey, uh, between you and me–she hot?”

“She’s standing right over there behind the register. You tell me.”

“Wuh-hoah! Yikes. That’s a big negatory.”

“Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’d better get back to serving–“

“Okay, so serve me. There you were, walking right past me, holding a pan of Hawaiian–the real stuff–and you didn’t even stop to ask if I wanted a slice. I’m hurt, Shane.”

“But your plate’s full.”

“So? You think I’m gonna stop once I finish this plate or something? Just stack a slice on top that pepperoni-olive-sausage and you can go on your merry way.”

“Can’t, sir. It’s against–“

“No. No more of this ‘sir’ shit, Shane. I ain’t that fucking old. I ain’t gonna keel over mid-meal, grasping at the air with one hand and clutching at my heart or my throat with the other. Sir, ha! Name’s Johnny.”

“Well, Johnny–“

“Johnny Law.”

“Well, Johnny Law, as I was saying, it’s against company policy to give a customer a new slice if their plate’s full.”

“Hey Shane, this an all-you-can-eat joint, or what?”

“Tuesdays and Thursdays from five-to-eight, yes.”

“Holy shit, Shane. You pop a gear or something? You almost sounded human there.”

“Well, I’m sorry, but I have to go–“

“No, don’t gimme that, Shane. You stacked a goddamn pepperoni pyramid for that girl at the table over by the jukebox. Don’t gimme that horseshit.”

“Sir–“
“Johnny! Johnny goddamn Law!”

“Johnny, she’s an employee on break. And I didn’t give her those slices. She grabbed them.”

“Playing favorites for the ladies, eh? Wanna hold on while I go to Tijuana and grow some rusty tits right quick? That what I gotta do to get a fucking slice a Hawaiian ’round here?”

“Tell you what, Johnny.”

“Listening.”

“You eat a piece–one of those six on your plate–and I’ll give you a slice of canadian-bacon-pineapple.”

“Okay, fair’s fair. Lemme just cut this piece here–”

“I’ve never seen a spoon used for that before. You know, there’s a fork and knife over there next to your plate, sir.”

“Your point, kiddo? Knives are the tools of serial killers and forks are for people who can’t find their way around a goddamn spoon.”

“Huh.”

“Spoon’s a versatile tool. You can’t eat soup with a fork or a knife, but you can eat a salad with a spoon.”

“What about sporks?”

“Don’t gimme no goddamn lip. This ain’t fucking Taco Bell.”

“Okay, sir. Here’s your slice.”

“I ain’t finished this slice yet!”

“The pizza’s getting cold. I don’t want to disappoint other customers who love candian-bacon–“

“Christ alive, Shane. Don’t you fucking dare. You say that awkward shit one more time and I swear I will fucking show you why you don’t want to see me pick up a goddamn knife.”

“Okay, sir.”

“Fuck you, kiddo. Say it. It’s a delicioso motherfucking Hawaiian pizza you’re carrying. Say it or so help me, with Brando as my witness I will make your ribcage an offer it can’t refuse.”

“Okay, Johnny.”

“Yeah? What’s the pizza, Shane?”

“Canadian-bacon-pineapple.”

———————————————

Wrote this for a contest which spontaneously decided not to exist one day after I wrote a piece specifically for it which used the phrase “I’ve never seen a spoon used for that before” as per contest requirements. Ah well, I still dig it. Maybe they meant November of next year for the deadline?

-Bearshaman

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