Late-Night Movie Pitch

Lester is a man at the end of his rope–his own two brothers murdered one by one before his very eyes.

And he’s next.

It’s come down to this final race against the clock as he rushes to finish his time machine prototype before the killer tracks him down.

But can he save his brothers from their fate? Or will his meddling result in a world that no one wants to live in anymore?

It’s a new psychological thriller from the mind of Tim Burton.

Starring:

Johnny Depp as the murderous beast,

Helena Bonham Carter as the reluctant love interest who will eventually discover that her heart is still capable of love,

and Ving Rhames as:

The Third Little Piggie.

This summer you won’t want to miss the only movie guaranteed to blow…

you…

AWAY.

-Bearshaman

The Bloodborne Review

chatterdank2

I’ve been wanting to post a review of Bloodborne for quite some time to kick off my gaming sub-site.

But it just ain’t that simple.

See, it would be impossible to talk about Bloodborne without first talking about the Souls games. Bloodborne is, in every way but its name, a Souls game. Mechanics and elements have been tweaked and refined, but it is still very much a Souls game.

But does it live up to its predecessors, the critical praise, and the hype?

Read on for the next five pages you will have to click individually that are filled with fifteen pop-up ads each to find out!

Just kidding. I fucking hate that shit.

If you’d like to know my opinion on the matter, I will tell you straight out that I think Bloodborne is another masterpiece that stands shoulder-to-shoulder with Demon’s and Dark (the first). And, like its predecessors, it must also be acknowledged that it is a flawed masterpiece.

But, just like relationships, what it really comes down to is how you feel about various flaws and whether or not you believe you can overlook them and enjoy the game/lover for who they are.

Bloodborne inherits many of its joys and its problems from its Miyazakiborne predecessors. And considering the unique nature of these games, the best way to describe the newest is to start by examining the way the others work as a basis for comparison. So, just like Vizzini told Inigo, we must first go back to the beginning.

I’m currently working on a retrospective covering each of the Souls games, starting with Demon’s. And admittedly, it’s getting a bit out of hand. I’ve got a rough draft for part one of the first game finished that nearly breaks 3,000 words. This is ending up more of a novella than a simple game review.

But if you’re interested in that kind of long-read discussion of the underpinnings of games, I think you might enjoy it.

More to come very soon.

-Bearshaman

Closing’s the Worst Shift

and everybody knows it. The floors

are never clean enough and

you’ll never get out fast enough for

Mr. Mani-Pedi, the owner/asshole

who only ever comes in Monday mornings

to drop off the supplies he picked

up earlier that day from Sam’s Club.

Fucker never buys enough

floor cleaner anyway, so you’re

scrubbing the floor with bleach

by week’s end, which doesn’t really

work, but nobody listens to you so

don’t bother bringing it up.

Raise your voice and be known

as the complainer around here. Just run

the month-old disposable mop

head smelling of piss and pepperoni

over the floor,  and be sure to pick up

the split-end threads that fall out when

you vigorously scrub down those mysterious

gooey black spots. You could throw

those loose mop threads in the trash

one-by-one as they appear on the tile,

but you might as well stuff ’em in your pocket,

wait ‘til you’re done, and throw that shit

away all at once. Saves time. And you already

smell like pizza and farts anyway since you

just cleaned the floor drain out. At least

you got to yell “fuck” as loud as you wanted

when the drain butter spattered on you as

you sprayed that shit down. Manager didn’t

care. Too busy blowing his paycheck up his nose

in that bathroom you just cleaned. Still is.

The bathroom door finally opens and he comes

out stretching in an over-exaggerated and

accomplished fashion and initiates some

uncomfortable eye contact. His smile twitches

and he says, “Whatcha wanna hear tonight?”

You smile back and say, “Whatever is cool, man.”

But secretly, you hope it’s Maiden.

-Bearshaman

Hip Hop Hooray

When I was a shitty little kid I used to call boys who were mean to me at school lesbians. I thought it was insulting because not only was that person a girl, they were also gay. That’s like double word score for a playground insult.

But it took me until my teenage years to finally meet one of these fabled gays in the hyper-Christian suburbs. Thank you, high school theater. And you know what I discovered? Gay people are just normal people with a different taste in certain things. That’s it.

Twenty years later, the Supreme Court appears to have finally taken a theater class in high school and I could not be happier.

Happy gay marriage day everyone!

-Bearshaman

My First Spooky Piece of Writing

The night when ghosts roam about.

The night when all the witches come out.

The night when goblins give us a fright.

When is this time?

Halloween night!

————————————-

This one was around 4th-5th grade. I wrote it for one of those fake lit mags that accepts everyone in that grade’s poems and then forces the parents to pay way too much to buy a copy of the book.

-Bearshaman

My First Spontaneous-Overflow-of-Emotions Poem

The River

Today I saw the river,

so clean, so blue.

And once I took a look at it,

my heart was pure and true.

I stood there for an hour,

overtaken by its power.

Today I saw the river,

so clean, and pure.
——————-

I want to say this one was written around 3rd-4th grade.

I know it might be a little hard to believe, but it is, in fact, about a river.

-Bearshaman